26. Conceptualising

25th Sept

Met my lecturer last morning to get some help, as I've been doing other work and I always feel like I need to be guided. I know it's very bad, but I'm glad I did what I had to do to get back on track.
I came up with the phrase "to feel free" as the reason why I ♥ cycling, and then we thought about what feeling free is.
"to feel free" ≠ to be free. Although when one is physically free, he most probably feels free, but one might feel free for a while even though they're not really freed.
The main thing I want to be freed of is from my mother's control. I drew up this mind map. I was afraid of writing down "my mother", because it brings about lots of nasty stuff and I am worried about what others might think but Tang said I should be honest if I want to get the message across.

These are the ways in which free applies to my concept
free
–adjective

1.	enjoying personal rights or liberty, as a person who is not in slavery: a land of free people.

7.clear of obstructions or obstacles, as a road or corridor: The highway is now free of fallen rock.

9.	exempt or released from something specified that controls, restrains, burdens, etc. (usually fol. by from or of): free from worry; free of taxes.

10.	having immunity or being safe (usually fol. by from): free from danger.

I always feel like leaving home. I've told myself that I need to get out of this house when I make my own cash. I live in a mad house. My life is partially under control of my mother, since I am unable to get through life on my own for monetary reasons. She has the upper hand in making my days hell, I need to put up with her erratic, selfish behaviour, but I am not her lover, I am not her mum. Her narcisstic behaviour makes me pull my hair and makes me upset. It gets in the way of my work, and of my social life. I feel like I've been deprived of good family relations. I feel abnormal, and I am really afraid of turning out like her. I can't wait for the day when I can leave for good, and never come back to this period.
articles.
one Discovery Health
"The fear of growing up to be like one's mother has long been so common among Western women that it has a name — matrophobia."
two realsimple.com
"She’s your mother. Or she’s your daughter. (And, frankly, sometimes it seems like she has this backward.)"